Sodascience - An open letter to the thirsty
Podcast: Download
by Andy Kaiser
Article ID: 1222
Okay, Soda. You’ve made your points. We get it. We know how much you love yourself. You want us to worship you as The One True Carbonator. “I am the one true Soda. Pour no other refreshments before me.”
You’re missing a critical aspect: nothing you say makes any sense.
I’m not talking about manipulating emotions. I know you think that you taste the best. You’ve got the right blend of chemicals in your divinely inspired secret formula. Your followers praise that taste without understanding what they’re drinking. When you drop the emotions and actually look at your claims, you put a bad taste in my mouth. Here’s why:
Sodascience makes factually wrong claims
I’ve seen your ads. Your fliers, your commercials, your proclamations are everywhere. If you drink this soda, you’ll get all the chicks or dudes you want! Unlike some other sodas, you keep this vague - you don’t say whether the reward is, to pick a random example, 72 eager virgins. But hey, I’m not picky, just precise. If you really were all you claim, I’d be praising your artificially-sweetened name right now. But why are the people in commercials the only people benefiting from soda? Whenever I drink you, sure, I get less thirsty. Nothing more. I’m never surrounded by CGI adventures or mostly-naked, tanned and toned members of my preferred sex. Actually, one thing does happen - I get this irregular heartbeat for about two hours. Thanks for all that blessed caffeine. Speaking of heart arrhythmia, it’s telling how you preach that the One True Soda is the cure for all ills, but you never address any of your known abuses. You ever see that Mythbusters episode where they tried to dissolve a tooth with your acidic holiness? Or would you rather I bring up childhood obesity, diabetes, or a certain little carcinogen named “benzene“?
Sodascience redefines its name to hide its agenda
When I was a kid, we didn’t call you “soda”. We called you “pop”! Yeah, I know this is partially a geographical distinction, partially cultural. You’ve always had multiple names. But recently, it seems, your proponents shy away from the word “pop”, or “cola”, or “tonic”, or equally outdated names. Why? I understand the desire to keep with the times. But don’t call yourself “soda” in an effort to hide the fact you’re “pop”. The name you use doesn’t change what you are. If you think people don’t notice, ask other people what to call you. You might be surprised at the answers. Covering your agenda behind a new name is cowardly, self-serving and amoral. It also means you’ve got something to hide.
Sodascience is outdated, preaching laws dreamt up years ago
Let’s face it, you’re old. You were created long ago by people living a completely different lifestyle. There is something to be said for antiquity, of course. But holding to tradition for tradition’s sake? That’s just silly. Face it - the first marketed soft drinks appeared in the 17th Century. Why must you continue to preach that ancient era’s racism, xenophobia, and scary dental hygiene? Isn’t it time to get with the program? Come on already, it’s been over 400 years! Improve yourself. Evolve. Of course, you can’t. It’s part of your nature. Even the old-fashioned name “Pop” is from those old days of sexism and woman-bashing.
Sodascience claims unproven miracles
Early soft drinks were said to produce miracles. They were a cure-all for whatever ailed you. Poor health. Infection. Erectile dysfunction. Covetous neighbors. Covetous neighbors with erectile dysfunction. Whatever the problem was, you just sprinkled that carbonated elixir and watched your worries bubble away. The problem is, we never hear about these types of miracles today. Nope, we get claims that are always second hand, untestable or misunderstood. Come on now. If you’re really going to claim miracles, give us something we can work with. And continually bringing up your secret formula, where multiple chemicals form mysteriously inside one single can? That’s just embarrassing.
Conclusion - Fight the pop culture
Don’t drink the soda. Don’t believe the sodascience. If it tastes too syrupy-sweet, chances are that drink is insinuating cavities in your teeth and making you fat.
Step back. Take a look at the big picture. Realize that you don’t need soda or pop or whatever new name it’ll have tomorrow. Realize the truth of what you’re expected to drink. We all need to drink, I don’t deny that. But what and how you drink is pretty important. My own drink makes logical sense for any one’s body, and doesn’t try to deceive with fizzy bubbles and sugary sweeteners.
Soda, you are nothing more than cleverly diluted poison. But take heart - you did create mankind in your image, after all: the followers who drink you delude themselves.
I need a big glass of water.
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